Can You Lose Weight By Diet Alone…Or Do You Have To Exercise?

I have LOST 150 POUNDS WITHOUT EXERCISING! I’ve lost weight slowly over the past four years. I lost about 5 pounds a month for the first year…about 3 pounds a month for the next two years…and now I’m losing 0-2 pounds a month. I’ve lost about 13 pounds during the last 12 months.

My ideal body weight is in the range of 105 to 135 and I’m averaging about 125 now. It’s harder to lose weight now and it takes a whole lotta Mindfulness and determination to maintain my weight and to lose any weight.

I was modestly active most of my life, but the last 15 years has been high work, two kids, and little else…and mostly desk time. When I was planning how I would diet, I did not want to add exercise to my lifestyle because I realized it was VERY unlikely that I would maintain that lifestyle for any length of time. I felt it was a set up for failure…start slipping with exercise…start feeling bad about myself…and here I go…relapse fixin’ to happen! I chose to focus on diet alone and obviously this has worked very well for me.

I knew how to do “diet” because to maintain normal body weight for the first 30 years of my life, I had to keep calories low…so, I already had those skills. So, I chose to focus on what I would have the highest likelihood of success with…and avoided anything I felt could increase the likelihood of failure. I sat down and completed a DBT-CBT Therapy Workbook “Game Plan” for weight loss.

I included every diet tip I could think of and I reflected on how I used to do things when my weight was low. I decided I would drink a lot of water, not starve myself, eat breakfast to get my metabolism going for the day, eat what I was REALLY craving…and work to balance things out, count calories, eat something before leaving work so I wouldn’t arrive home starving to death, avoid food fests, avoid temptation, do the chocolate binge and get rid of the leftovers…etc.

Overall, the first four years of the diet were fairly easy, but now I’m struggling. I smoked for the last 18 months through June 2009 – recently quit…and it’s been harder to keep calories low. Weight is still good, but the struggle is certainly there. It’s not easy anymore! I was always aware that as I got my weight down, I’d probably begin to exercise so I would look better…well, I think it is time to exercise so I’ll look better, but the biggest impetus is to be able to eat about 100 calories more per day!

I’ve STARTED to exercise twice during the last year…but haven’t maintained it for more than a week at a time! Once I got that shoulder blade muscle cramping thing…the one with horrible pain that just doesn’t go away…and you can’t even breathe or move for awhile. The last time, I started to get sick…was exhausted…and didn’t want to stress my body! I am going to try to do a little at a time…not get so excited and ambitious and increase the amount or intensity so fast…just going to try to have some balance! Me, balance….ha! But, I’m going to try so I don’t sabotage myself AGAIN!!!!!

Why Am I Eating More and Gaining Weight: Using DBT-CBT Principles to Become Mindful of Mindless Eating

I’ve gone through a very hard time in recent months with my “diet”…or better said, “my eating plan.” My positive eating patterns had become a habit and little emotional energy was invested in the process. I had peace and stability in this area of life. People would ask, “Isn’t it hard to stay on a diet?” No, it really wasn’t because I HAD developed good eating habits…and eating in this manner was natural for me. It was more of a lifestyle than a diet.

But, SOMETHING HAPPENED and these past few months became the most trying time during my four year diet. Not sure what happened, but somehow things got Out-of-Control. I struggled through…and regained fairly good control. Naturally, I’ve been reflecting on WHAT HAPPENED…because I don’t want to let this lifestyle slip through my fingers and for things to get out of hand! I don’t want to get fat again…I don’t want to start the weight gain cycle…AGAIN.

Here’s some things I have thought about. I FINALLY quit smoking in June after 6 attempts this year! Quitting smoking leads to increased eating because my hands and mouth aren’t busy…and reduced metabolism because I’m not loaded with nicotine…HELLO WEIGHT GAIN…and increased appetite!

Another thing that has changed in the last couple of months is that I started taking a daily multivitamin. Now, I haven’t studied recently, but from what I remember, vitamins increase appetite. Not sure why that happens…or if that’s really true. Just some tidbit of information I picked up and think is true.

Another thing…I began living on fruit…fruit was my mainstay…the largest source of calories per day. I loved the fruit diet! However, something was going on and I was craving sweets more…like CHOCOLATE! I was eating the Snickers protein bars…Mmmmm good…however, they are 290 calories each. When I seek to keep calories below 1300 or so a day…that adds up F-A-S-T!!!!

So, I’ve stopped eating fruit…and this has led to a major decrease in the sweet munchies. I’m thinking the sugar in the fruit did something to increase my appetite for SUGAR! In my four years of dieting, I would chocolate binge about once every 4-6 weeks…and while on the fruit diet, the craving for CHOCOLATE was STRONG…and something I gave in to. I believe in “have a craving…satiate it and go on with life.” That has worked very well for me…because I’d eat 800 calories of chocolate…eat less dinner or no dinner…and suffer little net gain in calories that day…and little effect on the monthly average…and little effect on my weight…until recent months!

Another thing that happened in July…is that an overwhelming workload greatly increased…and the type of stress changed…from internal pressure to get the job done…to external pressure…like performance counseling…and a 30-day deadline! I expect the extra stress and the type of distress affected me, too.
Anyways, lots of changes…radical physiological and psycho-emotional changes (nicotine withdrawal and loss, diet change with increased fructose and then refined sugar…and EMOTIONAL STRESS from work…and stress from my daily diet spiraling out of control! You know, I’m sure there are other factors too…that I’m not currently aware of…but, those are the biggest ones on my mind right now!!!! You know…I may have gotten cocky too…had my weight down real good…had this diet thing “down to a science”…and then…slacked off a bit!

Anyways, things have gone fairly well the last 3-4 weeks…actually regained some semblance of peace and stability in my eating. Revisited the 124-125 range…the size 7’s fit again…(size 9 slim fits are sized like a 7!). Went out of town a few days…and did alright. Not a major pig out…ate some restaurant food, but did well with that. Got favorite foods and ate about half. Some extra calories…but nothing Out-of-Control! Back to work tomorrow, will tighten up again…and go on with life. Average calories for October was in the normal range for me…similar to the last 4 years…so,, that’s good!

The last couple of posts in October note what I did to try to get control, so I don’t want to restate EVERYTHING here…cuz I can’t remember and I’m too tired to go back and check!!!! I am Mindful right now that I greatly increased Mindfulness of my eating plan…by reminding myself of my goal (stability in eating, weight management, not get fat again!), counting calories all day so I’m not engaging in mindless eating and CALORIE SHOCK at the end of the day when entering data in the Excel file, controlled portions and food selection (toting certain foods to work and not toting others…and choosing how much to bring, deciding what I’d eat when I got home, eating a little something before I leave work so I don’t go home STARVING TO DEATH…and ready to scarf everything in sight), and temptation management (telling family about my struggle and how to help…DON’T BUY FATTENING FOOD AT THE STORE…and certainly don’t bring it in and let me see it…AND me not buying fattening foods at the store…the ones that are MY favorites!) So, I went back to my early days of dieting…what I did then that worked best for me…to attempt to regain control over my eating.

Another thing I considered is that my weight is low…calorie needs are lower than the early days of dieting…I may be reaching my low…and this may be as low as things naturally go…and I may need to revise MY goal to go lower…and just focus on maintaining this weight…that it may be unreasonable to push myself to lose more. So, with all this in mind…I’m TRYING to be Mindful and to approach this diet thing with Rational Mind and Wise Mind…because Emotional Mind is eating me up!

The Best Crash Diets are Crash n’ Burn Diets – An Excerpt from the DBT CBT Therapy Workbook

Crash n’ Burn Dieting

Why do you think a “crash diet” ¹ is an Emotional Mind behavior?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

We’ve all heard of these diets and most of us have done them! We see many advertised on magazine covers, “Lose 10 pounds in 10 days with the Grapefruit Diet!” Some have strict menu plans. Many limit food choices. We may be able to eat as much as we want…but ONLY lean meat and vegetables…or boiled chicken and rice all day! Consider how limited a high protein – low carbohydrate diet is. One reason these diets fail is they don’t allow us to eat our favorite foods…and WE’RE NOT GOING TO STAY ON A DIET LIKE THAT…FOR VERY LONG!

Crash diets are driven by Emotional Mind because we’re WILLING to do something DESPERATE to lose weight QUICK. We’re IMPATIENT. We want IMMEDIATE RESULTS. We DON’T WANT TO WAIT to lose weight in a REASONABLE and HEALTHY way…even though WE KNOW it’s the only way to lose weight and keep it off! We’re being IRRATIONAL! We’ve deluded ² ourselves! We’re believing a LIE. SOMEHOW WE BELIEVE THIS CRAZY DIET WILL WORK…that we’ll suddenly develop skills to control our eating…that we’ll give up most or all of our favorite foods…and just eat certain foods. REALLY, IF WE HAD ALL THIS WILLPOWER, why would we need a crazy diet? Why wouldn’t we just do a “normal diet” and eat like a slender person? They eat all kinds of things…just smaller portions!

Just like other Destructive Coping Behaviors, we want IMMEDIATE RELIEF…for our long-term weight problem. So, we do something desperate to lose weight FAST!

The problem with a crash diet is it’s SO UNREASONABLE and STRICT we WON’T STAY ON IT the rest of our life! When we GET OFF the diet, we return to our old eating habits. We GAIN the weight back…AND THEN SOME! That’s because we’ve been starving our body and depriving it of what it needs to function. Our brain sends out “I’M STARVING TO DEATH” signals that tell our body to PROTECT ITSELF FROM DYING. So, our metabolism ³ slows, we BURN FEWER CALORIES, and fat stores up for future famines. ⁴ At the same time, our BRAIN POUNDS on us to EAT MORE to replenish ⁵ our body. Finally, we GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION and the demands of our brain and body and we do a ROYAL PIG-OUT! Then we FEEL HORRIBLE physically and emotionally. We’re bloated, sick, disappointed, and ashamed. WE FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. Weight loss seems hopeless, so, we GIVE UP on the diet. WE GAIN ALL OUR WEIGHT BACK…AND THEN SOME!

We’re willing TO TRY to defy ⁶ the laws of nature to lose a ton of weight fast! A friend once said, “I’ve given up on dieting. Every time I go on a diet, I end up gaining 10 pounds!” After we starve ourselves, our brain pushes us to gain extra weight so our body is prepared for the next famine!

What kind of diet would Rational Mind suggest? ________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________

Rational Mind would encourage us to EAT THINGS WE LIKE, BUT LESS! Then our stomach will shrink and we’ll REDUCE CALORIES. We’ll get in the HABIT of eating “SKINNY PERSON PORTIONS” ⁷ and we’ll lose weight. Because we’re still getting our favorite foods, we’re less likely to get tired of this “eating plan!” It’ll become A WAY OF LIFE…that we can LIVE WITH for the rest of our life. We’ll STAY ON IT, LOSE WEIGHT, and KEEP IT OFF!

We’ve all heard THE BEST WAY to lose weight is to do it SLOWLY! If we’re not in a major weight gain cycle ⁸ and we cut our food intake by one-fourth, we may lose 2-3 pounds a month. That’s 24-36 pounds a year and 48-72 in two years! If we cut our intake in half, we may lose 4-5 pounds a month or 48-60 a year and 96-120 in two years! That’s a lot…and we can KEEP IT OFF if we KEEP IT UP! A “three-fourths” or “halves” diet will serve us MUCH BETTER over time than a “crash n’ burn” diet!

I’d rather lose 25 pounds a year by eating reasonably than gaining 10 pounds with a crash diet!

——————————
Notes:
1. A crash diet is very strict and is designed for FAST weight loss.
2. Deluded – (duh-lew-did) – talked ourselves or others into believing something that’s not true.
3. Metabolism – (met-tab-oh-liz-em) – the process of breaking down the food we eat.
4. Famines – (fah-men’s) – times when there’s little or no food in a country or region.
5. Replenish – (ree-plin-ish) – to restore and fill back up!
6. Defy – (dee-fi) – to go against or to challenge.
7. Ever notice how skinny people eat? They eat many of the same foods as an overweight person…just smaller portions. We had a store and I’d go there after my hospital job. I was always shocked to find half a bag of chips or half a candy bar left on the desk. I could never understand why the employee didn’t eat it ALL! Obviously, their eating habits were very different from mine! They’d eat half when I’d eat two!
8. If we‘re on a major weight gain cycle, we’ll have to cut down even more to get our daily calories in the range for losing weight. These numbers are estimates based on someone who’s maintaining their weight or is only gaining a few pounds a year.

Using DBT CBT Workbook Recovery Skills To Get Control Of My Out-Of-Control Eating! Losing Weight Again!

I made it through the diet crisis. What a horrible time that was…to feel so out-of-control of my eating and knowing I was very close to relapse back into an EATING DISORDER! It’s kind of sad to think back to that…I was so desperate and struggling. Writing one of the blogs in that period, it occurred to me how much drama and chaos I was experiencing and allowing myself to go through. Because the theme of my life is “Peace and Stability,” I became sick n’ tired of the chaos and drama…and I took control of my out-of-control self! It was like “Ah, hell no” and I got very serious about getting my life under control.

So, I resolved to take advantage of my Wise Mind thinking and I got a Game Plan. I Followed Through with it and packed my food for my work day (planning, decided what to eat), stopped buying fruit (managed temptation), counted the calories throughout the day (Mindfulness), kept reminding myself of my goal to get control (All Day Daily Devotional), was Mindful of the two choices I had – to eat what I wanted and gain all my weight back or to control my eating and keep my weight down (Two Choices), put up tempting food that the family left out (more temptation management), and I Talked Myself Through impulses to eat something that would increase calories too much (Self-Talk, Talking Myself Through the Moment). I practiced what I preach. I wasn’t perfect though…but kept with it (Perseverance).

Just looked and the last entry was 10 days ago. In that time, I had 3 “bad days” in a row (1380 calories or more)– I pigged out on my husband’s home cooked beans and cornbread one day, another was a bunch of M&M’s, and another was chips. However, had many good days, too. Total calories this month is 1255, so, things have averaged out pretty good. Weight went up to 131 one day…and is now back to 124. 122 is my lowest during the last 4 years of dieting. Was often in the 124-125 range before things got out of control recently.

Other dynamics that have helped me over the past week have included…being overbusy and working long hours at work and having less time for food at home (I have been packing an insulated bag with food for work) , my husband hasn’t cooked since the beans and cornbread episode, I have been playing Zuma a lot when I’m home (pleasure and de-stressing time from overworking at work), and the kids have been VERY busy with school stuff in the evening and they haven’t been cooking much either!! So, the planets have lined up well…and all is well. Praise God. How can I forget…I also prayed and asked God to help me Get Control…because I was doing a horrible job of it on my own.

For some reason, I forgot that it was the 10 days after my period that my weight went up (like to 131 recently). Falling to 124 so fast caught my attention and I looked over my Excel spreadsheet and remembered that. So, I’m at a good time now when my weight should stay lower…for a few weeks. Would be fun to lose a new pound and get to 121.

It’s really unbelievable. I once thought that it would be impossible to hit 135…and that if I ever got to 165 it would be an amazing thing. I started out at 260 on my scale…(did I just put that in print) so, it is pretty unbelievable to be in the 120’s…or even under 200!

My goal is 112. I spent many years of my life in the teens…usually 115-118. If it’s do-able, I would like to hit 112 so I have a little room to move up and down and still stay below 118.

My kid was just reading this and asked why I wrote that I’ve lost 145 pounds if it’s only 136. I reminded her that I got pregnant during the last 4 years…gained weight during the pregnancy and when all was said and done after I lost the baby, I was 13 pounds higher. So, when I went back to my diet, I had to lose those 13 pounds again. So, in reality, I’ve lost 136 pounds + 13…so, I’m really at 149. I count those 13 because I had to lose them again…and regaining them wasn’t my fault…like going back up to 131!

Anyways, all’s well…for now. I guess that’s “for now in the diet world” because my life is entirely Out-of-Control at work…and I can’t stand the feeling. It’s not a wonder why I entitled the DBT-CBT Workbook, “Out-of-Control”!!! The way I’m dealing with that is by busting my butt to get caught up…or at least to get things well enough in control that I don’t feel so overwhelmed and desperately Out-of-Control! I’ll focus on that…work hard now…play later!

Balance is a big thing in the DBT-CBT recovery program and I noticed that I was achieving some semblance of balance by allowing myself to play Zuma for hours instead of working at home and making myself do things I didn’t feel like doing at home. I had to notice that because I felt guilty about playing so much Zuma!

I tell my Group folks that “normal” life isn’t a cakewalk…and “normal” folks aren’t so normal (ain’t I a good example! ) I tell them that “normal” life is stressful and it’s not easy…that “normal” people have many things to struggle with, too….and that’s it’s always something. Things are always “Coming At Us” that we have to struggle through and deal with…that the skills taught in the workbook not only apply to recovery from drugs and alcohol, or cutting and suicide attempts, or depression or Bipolar Disorder…that they are about how to deal with life in general.

I share with them glimpses of my struggles as examples now and then…and I let them know that even though I am years into recovery from my history of seriously self-destructive coping behaviors…I still have to deal with myself on a daily basis…and that I live, eat, and breathe the recovery principles in the workbook…and that I, too, get tired of having to deal with stuff ALL THE TIME!

On Losing 145 Pounds and Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to Regain Control Over My Over-Eating Eating Disorder!

Well, here’s another day of my recent fight to regain control of my eating and to continue to lose weight…and to prevent a full relapse into my over-eating Eating Disorder!

Felt great to weigh in at 127. One less than yesterday and a common weight for me over the past few months…and going in the right direction!

Started my day with Mindfulness of recovery being my #1 priority today. I thought about how I wanted to eat this day and I took note of what was coming at me today that could challenge my recovery. I thought about the Service Awards Celebration that would be held today at work. They’d serve cake, cookies, and other goodies. I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t eat anything there, so I was aware I needed to plan my food day to allow for that!

Started my work day by buying some time and drinking coffee first thing rather than settling into my 1-1/2 sandwiches of fat-free turkey and double fiber bread (230 cals!). Had that at about 11:30. That held me just fine until the Awards Celebration…I got a 20-year with the state of Texas award. Cool. I did good until the end when folks were chatting by the food tables…and I did it! I had a small piece of cake and would have had a chocolate chip cookie, but no chocolate cookies left of any sort and I wouldn’t waste calories on non-chocolate! Got out of there with only about 50 cals worth of cake! Oh yea! Awesome!

Well, just like I am…I get back to my work area…and there’s candy bars on the counter for sale for Relay For Life…and seeing them brings on the sweet munchies that were brought on by not getting the chocolate chip cookie! Mentioned to my friend that I had the sweet munchies now and she told me about all the treats she had stored in her desk! Oh boy! So had a Reese’s candy bar (270 cals), about a dozen M&M’s….and a good handful of cashews. Can’t imagine that to be more than about 130 calories. Delighted because 400 more calories satiated my sweet craving. Did so well that I skipped my afternoon black bean soup.

Worked late, came home at about 7 and enjoyed three yogurts (240 cals) and started on sunflower seeds. Betcha I won’t need to have the Snicker’s chocolate protein bar tonight after sweets earlier today. Really not craving anything except I’m enjoying the seeds! Think I’ll play Zuma for a while and then package up the books which have sold today. I feel so much better that my eating is better under control. Just need to continue what I’m doing and work through this “near disaster” in my recovery!

I kept track of calories all day…grand total of 1030. That’s a bit low (Rational Mind)…though I really like the number! (Emotional Mind) However, I want to re-experience peace and stability in my eating…and not the roller coaster of late. (Rational Mind) Too few calories for one to two days leads me into out-of-control eating while my body tries to replenish itself! (Rational Mind) I’m just not in the mood for more diet drama. Had my fill of that! (Rational Mind) May snack on something to bring it closer to about 1250 (Wise Mind)…but I really like the 1030 number! (Emotional Mind)

Oh boy, hubby just got home bearing Walmart grocery bags…and I get to put them up! My recovery supportive husband brought home three bags of chips…one of which I happen to really like…but, also a bag of apples. So, I was mindful of my recovery and my recovery goals and realized that if I cracked the bag of chips it would be 200 calories in seconds flat! (Rational Mind) Made a decision to put them up and out of my sight. (Wise Mind) Then, I found the bag of apples…ahhhhhh…had two. So, total calories now about 1160…and now he’s grilling hamburgers outside. Hopefully, I’ll just tear one in half and have that! (Wise Mind) That puts me right at that 1250 number! Boy, sure I love the food he cooks out there on the propane grill. Oh…man!

Willfulness and Willingness…Fighting for Recovery…From My Overeating Disorder!

“You get skinnier every time I see you.” That’s what my friend said to me today…and I thought, “Fat chance of that!”

Weighed this morning – 128. Not horrible, better than 129 the other day…but lots worse than my monthly average the last few months (125 range) with lows at 122-123.

Getting dressed, I put on my size 10’s…my larger pants since I’m not in the 125 range. Oh my God, they were tight. I am not doing tight first thing in the morning, else by mid-afternoon seams will be a-bursting! Went up a half size bigger…ahhhhhh…and to think I was going to put those in storage just in case I started to get fat again. I shouldn’t need to wear those. I wore those at 135. But…if the pants fit, wear them!

I was feeling despondent, helpless, out-of-control…desperate…hopeless. Then, anxiety hit. I realized this could easily be a relapse point. Eating out-of-control…felt discouraged…was bloated…and having to wear “fat pants”…everything was just right for an Emotional Mind recovery sabotage.

My first panic thought was to strictly reduce my calories to 1100…to punish myself. (Emotional Mind thinking).

Rational Mind said, “That’s too low…and punishing yourself will backfire..it’s not a good thing for you.”

Wise Mind said, “Chill out Mel…work to maintain calories in the 1200 range…that’s very do-able for you…you can tighten up a bit.”

Thank God I’m into this DBT-CBT thing…and I live, eat, and breathe it. And thank God I caught myself in the middle of this serious Emotional Mind game. I thought, “You know, I’m not going there.” Then I thought, “I think I’ve just entered a fight for my recovery. It’s at that point now.”

I then recognized I felt a bit angry about this eating thing…frustrated, just tired of it. Then another thought flew through my mind, “I don’t get mad, I get even.” This is usually a negative, revenge type of Emotion-Driven thought, a self-destructive thought. However, for me…today…it was more like, “It’s time to kick this in the ass…I’m tired of it.” “It” being…”I’m tired of my crap”…it’s like “Shit or get off the pot”…or…”If you’re serious about this diet thing, then make it happen already…Get control or lose control. Game’s over. It’s time to get serious.”

I thought about DBT and “Willfulness vs. Willingness.” Well, one is usually bad – the stubborn, willfulness one…and willingness is usually good – the “I’ll do whatever I need to do to be okay”…it’s the “I surrender,” “I accept,”…the, ”I’m ready and willing” one.

Well, for me today, Willfulness was a positive thing. It was the stubborn and determined part of me…that fight from deep inside…being willful in a survivalist type of way…the, “I’ll be damned if this kicks my ass” type of fire from within!

Willingness was there, too. They stood side by side. I was willing to do what I needed to do to get this eating thing going on. I surrender my will to eat whatever I want to eat. I surrender to setting limits for my eating.

Well, I’ve done very well today with just a minimum of distress. Ended the food day at 6:30pm with 1185 cals. For breakfast I had 1-1/2 fat free turkey sandwiches (double fiber whole wheat bread) and drank coffee with about 25 calories of flavored coffee creamer. I had a can of green beans for lunch. That held me over until my mid-afternoon can of black bean soup which kept me from leaving work starving to death and ready to eat everything in sight when I got home from work. Upon arriving home, I had 3 black cherry yogurts (80 cals each and quite a treat) and a Snickers 290 calorie chocolate protein bar (quite a treat…like a candy bar!) I picked at leftovers and had a couple bites of chicken with green peppers. SUCCESS. Had to forego fruit and sunflower seeds today, but I’m fine. Started the sunflower seeds in the evening when I quit cigarettes a few months ago…and also added a lot of fruit then to deal with the nicotine withdrawal CONSTIPATION! Did just fine though without them tonight.

Now…today I went back to some of the dieting basics like I resolved to do a few days ago…yesterday…whenever it was. I kept a running tally of my calories through the day…and emailed them to my home! I was mindful of what I would eat (for the most part), planned my food day (for the most part) and I did the “think through before you do” thing. Now, tomorrow is a new day and I sure hope I experience that fire from within…and fight for my recovery all over again! I hope my battles help you in your fight.

DBT – CBT and dieting: Counting Calories…and They’re Adding Up!

I did good with my eating ALL day…until the bowl of Stouffer’s lasagna just a little while ago. Boy, it sure was good! Enjoyed every cheesy bite! Didn’t need it, just chose to have it. Put me about 200 calories higher than desirable for the day…makes for a “bad” day. Total calories today – 1465. Month average is now 1265 which is perfect for me…just where I want to be. Allows me to lose about a pound or two a month.

I’m bothered by eating more than desirable today. Did well with mindful eating ALL day…until the lasagna! However, I haven’t given up on me…yet. I’m determined to figure this out. A part of me says, “Maybe your body is just ready for maintenance eating” rather than losing weight. That’s probably Rational Mind! Emotional Mind says, “Well, I’m not ready for that. I still want to lose about 10-15 pounds” (Yes, I’ll still be within ideal body weight and more where I was most of my life before I got heavy in my late 20’s.)

The Wise Mind thought crossed my mind, “Just exercise some each day, that’ll take care of those extra calories.” My stubborn, Emotional Mind responded, “Nah, I’d just rather try to eat less.” In other words, I’m too lazy to exercise…I have other interests and things to do…I want to do the diet my way…not the way I know is best. So, I’ll persist in my stubborn ways and see how it goes.

Rational Mind says, “You can continue to try it your way, but if it isn’t working, you’ll have to try something else.” And, Wise Mind says…”See that bowflex and stepping machine behind you…” I think I’d rather give up that chocolate Snickers protein bar (290 cals) rather than exercise an hour! I’d much rather do that!

Touchdown Minnesota…Can’t help to favor Favre!

Tomorrow I’ll eat like I did today, but not allow myself to have the Snicker’s protein bar.

My God, what an awesome play by Green Bay…major pass from Rodgers…touchdown Green Bay. Score is tied. Exciting game!

Using DBT and CBT to lose weight

I’ve lost 145 pounds and now I have to go on a diet! That’s where I’m at right now. I have steadily lost a ton of weight in 4 years and I find myself in need of going on a diet! September was a VERY bad month for me. I had many more bad days with very high calories than usual (in the 1800-2100 range with one day even higher!) Such high calorie days typically happen just a couple times a month…not many times! Last month (September), I ended up with almost 200 more calories per day than typical. May sound like nothing…but, that adds about 1-1/2 pounds to me over the month…and it kept me from losing any weight.

That may not sound bad…but, the problem is…I really struggled this past month. I was “out-of-control” with eating. I’d pig out some days…and then work hard other days to get my overall monthly calorie count lower…only to have more pig-out days…followed by major attempts to control my eating…which still very often resulted in more calories for me than usual. Overall, I did not have a natural eating pattern this month…it was a time of out-of-control eating.

I recognized that I was in a period of early relapse with my eating disorder (over-eating)…and that if I didn’t gain control, I would lose control, and end up “out-of-control” and back in a cycle of weight gain. I was mindful that I could end up gaining a bunch of weight and perhaps end up fatter than when I started. Scary. Don’t want to go there on purpose.

Because I live, eat, and breathe the teachings of the DBT-CBT “Out-of-Control” Therapy Workbook, I began dealing with this early relapse and my neurotic self. Towards the end of the month when I thought,

“Oh my God, I’m going to gain all my weight back”

and various other statements of an Emotional Mind panic, Rational Mind came to my rescue.

“If I don’t gain control, I will lose control, and gaining weight is certainly likely. I’ve done well with this diet thing for 4 years. I’ve been within ideal body weight for a year now. I’ve been losing weight up until this month. I’ve got the skills, willpower, and know-how to get control of myself. I’ve just gotta tighten up and get a Game Plan for getting through this.”

Wise Mind clicked on and I thought, “I’ll just go back to the early days of my diet and start over. I’ll do things like I did back then. I’ll just start from scratch.”

Emotional Mind clicked on, “I can just not eat much tomorrow and the next day, that’ll cut my calories down a lot for the month…and more in line with a normal month.”

Rational Mind and Wise Mind jumped me, “That’s a bad idea. You know better. You’ll just end up pigging out again. You can’t do that. It’s certainly tempting, but not the way to go. I just need to tighten up and do things like I did in the early days of my dieting.”

Emotional Mind reared up again, “Well, I can just starve myself tomorrow and the next day so my calories won’t be bad for the month and THEN I can start over. I don’t want to have such a bad month…and show a 4-pound weight gain this month. That’s awful”

Rational Mind said, “What’s done is done. It’s just numbers. You’ll show a gain this month, and then next month, you’ll go down again. It’s not real weight, well, just a pound or so. You don’t gain 4 pounds eating an extra 5000 calories a month, that’s just a pound and a half or so…and really instead of losing a pound n’ a half this month, you’re just breaking even. You’re on your period so the extra weight is probably just water.”
Wise Mind said, “Chill, you’ll be okay. This is just temporary. Let’s just get a plan.”

So, I began thinking of how I used to do things. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to be on a diet! I had developed such good eating habits that it became a natural part of living, more a lifestyle than a diet! I actually eat a very healthy diet…I’m just eating more…more yogurt, more fruit, more chocolate protein bars!

Part of my diet basics is to let the people I’m around know about my struggles and to solicit their help. So, I told the family I had a very bad September, that I need to tighten up…and that I don’t want to start the weight gain cycle. I asked them not to offer me food and to put their food up when they’re done. Of course, they’re not perfect in my recovery, so when I notice they’ve left something out that could be tempting to me, I put it up!

I’m also walking past temptation telling myself, “I can’t just eat that, I’m on a diet” instead of having a couple bites, a bowl, or a handful. I’m setting limits because my wants now are much greater than they’ve been for a long time…and I guess I’ve slacked off too much. I find myself eating because I feel like it, rather than eating when I’m hungry.

I’m also setting limits and making choices about when I’m going to eat…not just allowing myself to graze.
I also decided that I would count calories through the day instead of just doing it at night. This will increase my mindfulness of calorie intake throughout the day.

This morning as I was waking up and thinking about my day, I decided what I would eat. Since I slept late, I’d eat two meals and an evening snack.

I’ve also thought about the work week because my calories are higher during the week than on the weekends. I will bring a limited amount of food to work. For instance, instead of a huge bag of grapes that should last a few days, I’ll bring about 100 calories worth. I’m in the process of figuring out what my food day will be like at work and what I’ll have at home in the evening.

So, I’ve gone back to some of the basics, but, I’m not perfect in recovery. I’ve had one “bad day” this first four days of October, but three very good days. My overall calorie count is lower than desirable, but I have faith in myself, I’ll be able to get it up without any problem!

FYI: DBT-CBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy – Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy)

A Quit Smoking Success Story…and I’m Even Losing Weight!

I thought I should write a follow-up to the “I Quit Smoking” blog entries over the past few months. So, here goes!

I’m pleased to say that I’ve successfully quit smoking! It’s been about 5-6 weeks now. No constipation…no bloating…and I’ve actually lost a couple pounds! Life is good. I’m still eating Activa type yogurt – about 2 a day and I’m chewing the nicotine gum – about 4-5 pieces a day. I have continued to have less soda per day (about 2 cans per day now) and have a protein bar about 5 times a week (the mega Snickers 21g protein ones!) instead of about 2 per day! Those are a treat and usually take care of chocolate or sweet cravings. I don’t think I’ve done a sweet binge in months since I’ve been eating them! I have been eating a ton of fruit though…that probably helps with the sweet binges! I have lost almost 150 pounds in the past four years so controlling the diet thing is very important to me. Yes, I was QUITE HEAVY, but part of that 150 was pregnancy weight – had an unexpected pregnancy during those four years! However, most of the 150 was part of a slow, insidious weight gain over 12 years! Do you know 100 extra calories a day adds about 1 pound of extra weight per month…and 12 per year! That’s probably how most of us end up so heavy…slow and steady! I’ve written the DBT-CBT Workbook (Dialectical Behavior Therapy – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Workbook) which focuses on life-destroying addictions and behaviors like drugs and alcohol, self-injury (like cutting), verbal and physical aggression – but it only touches on eating disorders – like anorexia, bulimia, and overeating. I wish I had the energy to write a DBT-CBT Therapy Workbook for losing weight. Sure would be helpful to A LOT of people. I have certainly used the skills and understandings in the workbook to quit smoking and to get through this weight loss thing! I have to live, eat, and breathe DBT-CBT on a daily basis to deal with myself! I am a full-time job!

Oh, one other thing…I’ve been eating a lot of sunflower seeds in the evening, that helps to bind the hands and the mouth instead of smoking. I don’t have salt issues, so the seeds work for me! I’m at the point that I rarely think about smoking…can get into the car and take the 23-minute drive to work (or home) and it never crosses my mind. I did think about smoking last Saturday morning…that was a nice smoking time for me…get up, relax, have a few smokes…and start the day! However, got through the thoughts and urges to smoke by reminding myself how glad I am to not smoke…and to be free of that addiction. It also helped that I had lost a “new pound” that morning when I weighed…so that was certainly a positive!

I expect this will be my last “Quit Smoking” blog…and maybe I’ll make myself start writing a Diet Tips one!

I Quit Smoking and Got Around the Bloating, the Constipation, and the Weight Gain

I FINALLY quit smoking. I FINALLY DID IT on attempt #6 or #7 this year! I found a way to get past the bloating, the constipation, and the weight gain. Granted, kicking the habit kicked my butt for 6 months…I persevered through the process and made it through! I have almost three weeks under my belt…and for me, that means I’m done. All’s going well…my weight is excellent…no bloating issues…and no constipation!!!! YEA! I’ve fought through this…and finally won. It’s been a tremendous struggle. I’ve always had an easy time quitting in the past and staying quit for long periods of time (years)…however, things are obviously different now…perhaps it is part of the aging process. I’m not sure I will ever take up smoking again…because it is not “easy come, easy go” anymore. I don’t want to have to fight this battle again.

It was awful to “have to smoke again” to get control of the bloating, the weight gain, and the constipation…however, each time I did so, I was aware I’d get soon and try again…as soon as everything went back to normal. I have lost about 140 pounds in the last four years and I was not willing to start the weight gain cycle…and gaining 7-10 pounds in 7-10 days was not okay…and it happened each time I quit smoking this year. I did not believe that my weight was dependent on smoking because I lost the first 100 pounds without smoking…and I’ve been thin before in my life without smoking. I knew I could have one without the other…I knew I could manage my weight without having to smoke. I knew something was wrong because of the tremendous gain in weight so quickly…I knew it was not REAL weight…because you can’t gain 7 – 10 pounds of fat that quickly…eating 1500 calories or less per day. I knew it was something else…but I didn’t understand it. I blamed it on a high nut diet, birth control pills…and various other things…until I finally learned that people bloat and get constipated when they quit smoking…and that it was an effect of nicotine withdrawal. Talking with friends clued me in…so I began to read about it on the net…and then started to do things to address this. What I did is described in the other “Trying to quit smoking” entries in this blog. Read the most recent ones to find out what the last things were that helped…or read them all to learn about what I experienced throughout this 6-month process! What an ordeal this has been. It’s been such a struggle…and now, it’s a burden relieved!

I’m in the process of writing “Ten Tips for Quitting Smoking” to show how I used DBT-CBT therapy principles , skills, and understandings to recover from this addiction. So, that is yet to come…I wish you success as you make it through the process to quit smoking…just don’t stop trying. Recovery from drugs and alcohol takes 8-18 attempts on average…and it’s very likely that breaking the smoking and nicotine addiction is little different.

Why Do Borderlines Do Such Crazy Things?

This question was asked…and I couldn’t help to respond. One person responded to the question with an excellent description of the pain and trauma a borderline has experienced…a “well if you went through this…you’d be that way, too” type of response. It helps to make the non-understandable…understandable. It certainly helped to get a sense of the pain someone with bpd goes through…and has gone through.

To his response, I added the following information.

The term borderline originated because in the days of old, folks considered this to be borderline psychosis…because of the seemingly insane, crazy type of behavior…the OUT-OF-CONTROL behavior…behavior that oftentimes makes little sense to the observers and the targets of the behavior. Many times, borderline people don’t understand themselves because of their out-of-control emotions and behavior…imagine how hard it is for someone else to understand their behavior…especially someone who has little or no experience with this kind of stuff. At least the individual asking the question is asking…in a quest to understand the seemingly un-understandable!

From a DBT-CBT perspective, when we’re “Big Time in Emotional Mind,” we have little to no Rational Mind going on…we’re like 95% Emotional Mind and 5% Rational Mind. We’re not thinking straight…we’re not rational…we’re just BIG TIME IN EMOTIONAL MIND. Our emotions are intense…they are driving our perceptions…they are driving our behavior…they are driving our thoughts…we’re not dealing with reality or the way things really are…we are reacting to things based on our emotions, our fears and traumatic experiences, and our emotion-driven beliefs. Our emotions have “done gone crazy”…and we say and do irrational things in such an intense emotional state. But the truth, it’s not about being crazy…or stupid…or anything like that…it’s about being overwhelmed with emotions, memories, fears, trauma…it’s about being desperate…desperate for relief, desperate for comfort, desperate for a continuing relationship, desperate for assurance of safety…and it’s about desperately seeking to reduce our emotional intensity to a level that is more tolerable.

Everyone gets “Big Time in Emotional Mind” now and then…and when we are…we all do crazy, irrational things…we all lose control now and then…and we say and do all kinds of things…that afterwards we say, “What was I thinking?” Well, we weren’t thinking…rationally. We were just reacting emotionally. Emotional Mind was controlling our thoughts and our behavior…and we did some really desperate things to meet our perceived needs in the heat-of-the-moment.

With borderlines (and like the rest of us now and then), the past slams into the present…and it’s really hard to deal with the here-and-now as it is in the here-and-now. They react to today’s situations with the anxiety, intensity, fears, unmet needs, rage, and the memories of all the pain and trauma from the past. I’d venture to say that all borderlines have full-blown PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)…or many features thereof…and they react to the present…and live the present as if it was the past. It’s like they expect the present situations to be a repetition of the past…because the past repeated itself so many times before.

An Intro to Recovery from the Out-of-Control DBT-CBT Therapy Workbook

Welcome to DBT-CBT! This is an exciting time! You’re about to embark on a journey that CAN change your life! The original DBT program developed by Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.D. was designed to treat some of the MOST DIFFICULT to treat individuals…and the results have been ASTOUNDING! This program, DBT-CBT, is based on Dr. Linehan’s work, but it has been GREATLY modified! It includes many original concepts, principles, and techniques developed during 24 years of patient care. MANY PEOPLE have described DBT-CBT to be LIFE-CHANGING, so HAVE GREAT HOPE! Applying the principles of DBT-CBT to your life CAN BE LIFE-CHANGING…but only if you’re WILLING TO MAKE CHANGES in your life. I assume you have great interest in changing your life…in feeling better, in responding to the world better, and having better life outcomes and experiences… else, you wouldn’t be reading this book…especially an Intro!! You’ve already taken the first step on this journey…and the Road to Recovery! WELCOME ABOARD!

This workbook is written for people who are hurting and suffering the pain of life. It’s about bringing hope and peace and the life-changing gift of healing and recovery. I hope you heal and recover. I hope this workbook leads you there. Even if it’s just about “planting seeds” or watering the seeds of recovery that were planted before, then, IT IS GOOD. This workbook CAN BE life-changing…AND HOW I HOPE…it is YOUR LIFE that is changed!

Think about this…if we do not make positive changes in our life, our life will NOT change for the positive. Please remember this. Repeat it over and over…”IF I DO NOT MAKE POSITIVE CHANGES IN MY LIFE…MY LIFE WILL NOT CHANGE FOR THE POSITIVE.” Let that penetrate your soul. Making major life changes is hard to do, BUT with effort, support, and the grace of God, MANY people RECOVER! We all know these people or we’ve heard their stories. They’re RECOVERED drug addicts, alcoholics, career criminals, “treatment failures,” and “hopeless cases.” They’re people with long histories of depression, anger, anxiety, suicide attempts, self-mutilation, abusive relationships, aggression, eating disorders, Bipolar Disorder, codependency, Borderline Personality Disorder, and other major life issues. Something Happened and they became disgusted enough or slowed down long enough to Think Things Through. They set their heart, mind, soul, and spirit on recovery…and THEY RECOVERED.

Think about people you know who have recovered…or recovery stories you’ve heard. How did they do it? What changes did they make in their life?

Recovery Requires Us…

…to make major life changes…including changes in how we think and respond to life…our life in the past, the present, and the future.

…to turn away from old ways and respond to life in new ways.

…to use Life-Enhancing Coping Skills to deal with tough and trying times rather than our preferred Self-Destructive Coping Behaviors.

…to make changes in what we allow in our life and what we allow ourselves to be involved in.

…to remove toxic people and situations from our life…and add life-enhancing, recovery-supporting people and situations.

…to fill our life with meaningful activities and relationships…things that give life meaning and value.

…to have hope and faith that things will get better as we get better.

…to accept that life isn’t easy or always enjoyable.

…to accept and deal with the difficult things that Come Our Way.

…to give ourselves time to grow into and be…more and more the person we were designed to be.

People who recover make many changes in their life. They realize recovery is a process…a lifestyle…and NOT a one-time event! Recovery requires work. It’s work worth doing…because we’re worth the work and the people who love us and depend on us are worth our work and sacrifices! Recovery requires dedication and perseverance to live, eat, and breathe the principles, concepts, and skills for living a Recovery Lifestyle. This workbook also requires dedication and perseverance to work through. It’ll teach many principles, concepts, and skills for living a Recovery Lifestyle.

Our Humanity
It’s important to accept we’re human…and because of our humanity, we’ve made many errors and bad decisions. Most of us have done some pretty stupid and shameful things…and many self-defeating things over and over! We’re human and we have a record of our life to prove it! If you find yourself wearing these shoes, realize you’re not the trailblazer. Many have come before you…and many are walking the same path right now. You might say, “Yeah, some more than others!”…and you’re right!

We’re a product of our past experiences and the environments we were raised in. It’s RARE that a kid with a stable home environment, emotionally healthy parents, positive role models, and good self-esteem begins to live a troubled life. Something generally happened that led the kid off course. RARELY do kids with “good enough upbringings” just “go bad.” This isn’t meant to minimize OUR RESPONSIBILITY for our behavior and choices, but it’s important to understand “why we are the way we are” is because Something Happened in our life, be it one very difficult situation or many.

On Acceptance
Recovery requires us to accept what has happened…has happened…and what we’ve done, we’ve done. These things are of the past. They’re over and they’re done. Nothing we can do now will change the past. It’s history. It’s our history. Today is the present…and the things we do today CAN CHANGE our life…our today and our tomorrows. Focus on today and plan for tomorrow…and live the wisdom of “The Serenity Prayer” – “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

This workbook will help us develop skills to manage our life in the here-and-now. We’ll learn skills to cope effectively with our problems, to set boundaries to prevent and minimize emotional distress and problems, to gain peace and acceptance, and to make lifestyle changes which will gradually lead to relief, peace, then satisfaction, and finally, joy. Some people recover on the first try; however, recovery usually takes many attempts over many years. Some days may be easy…and some more difficult. Recovery hinges on minute-to-minute and hour-to-hour decisions to remain on the Recovery Path. We can help ourselves along the way by seeking people who will support and encourage us along the path of recovery…AND BY AVOIDING people who are critical or negative BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE ARE TOXIC TO OUR RECOVERY.

On Recovery
We can be “straight A” therapy students. We can earn extra credit on every assignment. We can have all the answers and understandings possible. However, to recover, WE’VE GOT TO BE WILLING TO APPLY THE PRINCIPLES OF RECOVERY TO OUR LIFE! Knowing what to do is one thing…actually doing it is another! We must DO recovery things and LIVE a Recovery Lifestyle. This often requires us to STEP OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONE AND TAKE THE STEPS NECESSARY TO CHANGE OUR LIFE. The question is…“WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE UP OR CHANGE IN ORDER FOR YOUR LIFE TO CHANGE…FOR THE BETTER?!!”

That’s a difficult question. Honestly reflect on it a minute. What are you WILLING to give up or change in order for your life to change?

No doubt you have some things in mind…and heart…that YOU KNOW MUST CHANGE…in order for YOUR LIFE to CHANGE and your LIFE SITUATIONS to IMPROVE. There are many things we need to give up and change. These are often things we have NO DESIRE to give up or change. That’s where we run into problems. We have the gut wisdom TO KNOW what these things are…they’re just hard to look at and deal with! What do you NEED TO CHANGE? This question will come up many times during this study. The answer you write today may be very different from your answer later. That’s because this study will help you gain insight and learn more about the things that mess up our lives and keep our lives messed up.

Take a few moments and reflect on your thoughts and feelings about this opening reading. Does it make you excited? Uneasy? Anxious? Does it bring a sense of hope and peace…and light at the end of the tunnel…or does it bring a sense of dread…or some of both?

I’ve Quit Smoking…and I Think I’ve Stopped the Bloating, Weight Gain, and Constipation!

Well, good things are happening! I’m so excited! I think the latest revisions to my non-smoking DBT-CBT Game Plan are going to be successful. I stopped smoking 9 days ago…and this time, my weight is stable, no bloating, no constipation…life is good! I think cutting down on the soda and the protein bars has helped as well as chewing a few pieces of Nicorette’s type gum per day. Haven’t rode horses in a week, so exercise hasn’t changed much! But, so far, so good. Hope this major blessing continues. I feel so fortunate that something is finally working…given how I’ve struggled with quitting for 6 months. I’m not “out of the woods” yet, so I am going to have to continue to be Mindful of my goal to remain smoke-free…and I’m going to have to keep on keeping on.

Honestly, I’ve quit smoking successfully about a dozen times since I’ve been in my early teens…and I’ve always quit knowing I’d smoke again someday. But, this time, I’m not sure that I will ever smoke again…because I’ve had hell this past 6 months trying to quit. I’ve never had trouble quitting…once I decided to quit. This time around has been very different. I guess it’s the effects of aging or something…but this bloating, constipation, weight gain thing has kicked my butt. I’ve stopped smoking and have restarted smoking about 6 times this year… because of MAJOR weight gain, bloating, and constipation! There’s about 5 or 6 other blog entries documenting this struggle! I hope when I write this weekend, I will have about 12-13 smoke-free days under my belt!

Quit smoking: Managing the Bloating, the Weight Gain, and the Constipation…

As planned, I quit smoking AGAIN on Tuesday, June 20-some-odd, 2009. I prepared for this by changing my diet and adding exercise to my weekly schedule. Two major life changes! These are things that I did not want to give up or change. I’m no different than the rest of the world…I want my life to change in major ways…but I don’t want to have to change in major ways…and I certainly don’t want to step outside my comfort zone!

About a week before I quit, I began to ride horses with my daughter in the evening…awesome exercise! I also cut WAY down on sodas, diet sodas of course…I cut WAY down on the number of protein bars eaten PER day…and I added a bunch of fruit to my daily diet. I had just recently noticed that I was bloating even though I was still smoking…and I noticed that this occurred after a breakfast of diet soda and a protein bar…and a protein bar for lunch! MAJOR BLOAT! It went away in a few hours and did not cause weight gain though! However, I became mindful of a “while smoking bloating pattern.”

The Tuesday morning that I quit, I purchased a box of generic brand Nicorettes gum. I got the 4 mg strength for folks who smoke more than 25 cigarettes a day rather than the 2 mg strength for folks like me who smoke less than 25 per day. I did the math…it makes the gum half price for me! I would smoke about 15 a day, so I just chew a half piece several times a day. I chew it to keep some nicotine in my system to keep my body revved up so I don’t get so bloated and constipated…and gain 7-10 pounds in 7-10 days!

Everything went well the first couple days…but, everything wasn’t perfect. By Thursday afternoon, I hadn’t pooped for about 4 days…so, I bought a box of Correctol…a laxative that’s SUPPOSED TO BE very mild. The box says to take 1-3 tabs…well, not being a laxative queen, I took just one Thursday evening. Nothing happening by Friday afternoon, so, I took another one. Well…things began to happen Friday evening…and I think everything cleared out including the box of cherry tomatoes I had for lunch that day. Needless to say, my weight was good Saturday AM…and I’m not smoking…and I’m not bloated…nor constipated right now!

Laxatives are a major concern…and something I’ve taken about three times in my life because I absolutely don’t want to become addicted or dependent on laxatives. This will NOT be part of my weekly non-smoking plan! I purchased Activia yogurt yesterday…it’s guaranteed to increase regularity if you have one a day for two weeks. I’m trying that.

Some may think I am entirely crazy to be posting about bowel habits…however, if you go to this link and type in various keywords or keyword strings related to quitting smoking and bloating…or constipation…you will see that MANY people are having this problem. It will tell you how many times in the last month these keywords were entered into google for a search. Also, many people are reading this blog…so, there’s other people who are struggling with this as well. I write this as a help to others…and maybe, folks will benefit from my struggles and come up with a Game Plan to quit smoking that fits their lifestyle and needs.

Another point. I shared my struggles with my sister. She was going with my Dad to his cardiologist that day. She spoke with the heart doc and he was seemingly oblivious to this side effect of quitting smoking. He told her that if I was so constipated, I needed to see a Dr. immediately because I had something major going on! Boy, did she call me back with a great sense of urgency in her voice! FUN-NY! Also, my boy became ill this week and I took him to our family doctor. While there, I asked him what I could do about this problem. Because of what he was advising me, I told him several times that the MENTAL part of quitting was no big deal, it was the physical side-effects that were kicking my butt…and leading me to relapse. You know, I don’t think he ever really heard me because he continued to talk about mood, irritability, bitchiness, etc. Could this bloating–constipation thing be a side-effect that the medical profession isn’t noticing?

In case you’re curious, my Doc recommended Wellbutrin as a medication to help quit smoking. He says he’s had a very high success rate with this, around 85%. He said Chantix isn’t doing so well in his practice. He also recommended the nicotine patch. He didn’t like the idea of the gum because he said you can’t really control how much nicotine you’re getting…like chewing faster, longer, etc. His concern is that I’d end up with a nicotine gum habit to deal with!

I got the script for the Wellbutrin, but I’ll hold off filling it. Will finish the trial of what I am currently doing and I’ll see how it works. Will go to Plan H, I, or J if this current Game Plan doesn’t work!

Well, that’s the update. I hope I have good news at the end of this next week. So… so far so good…for the first 5 days of NO SMOKING attempt number 6 or 7 this year!

How do I recover from Borderline Personality Disorder: A DBT-CBT perspective

Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) will be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. It will require a lot of perseverance and focus…and Mindfulness every waking hour. It will require great effort to gain control of out-of-control emotions, behaviors, and thought processes. Then it will require great control to MAINTAIN control over time. You’ll have to want recovery more than anything else in life. Just like the alcoholic…to recover they have to want recovery more than anything else in life. You’re attitude will have to be “Recovery is my #1 priority” and then you’ll have to act in ways to make it so.

The question of how to recover from BPD was posed to me and I wrote a couple paragraphs to give the person an idea of what it would involve. I did not spell out a comprehensive treatment program, just an overview of some things it would involve. BPD is a severe personality disorder that requires a comprehensive treatment plan and years of therapy…and years of practicing new behaviors and skills to undo and change years of dysfunctional responses. So consider the following information to be an overview of the process and know there’s more to it!

Some aspects of recovery include:

Therapy
A support system
Mindfulness
Practicing life-enhancing coping skills to replace self-destructive ones…and using these in the heat-of-the-moment…and on a day-to-day basis to keep negative emotional levels as low as possible.
Challenging self-destructive Emotion-Driven Thoughts with Rational Mind thoughts. Rational Mind thoughts relate to the unchanging TRUTH and facts about a situation, our life, other people, etc. Our Emotional Mind thoughts are based on our “in-the-moment perceptions”…or the way we think about things when we’re in an emotional state. For instance, when we’re upset, we may think and say, “Nobody cares about me.” This will be a habit…so we’ll have to catch ourselves (Mindfulness) and turn on Rational Mind and say, “Many people love me and care about me. I’m just thinking that because I’m upset right now. That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’” If we think, “Cutting would help me to feel better.”…we must catch ourselves and say, “Cutting helps in-the-moment, but it ends up causing me more pain and problems. Calling a support person and working through the moment will help me NOW and in the future. Cutting is relapse for me and will only bring me down and land me back into the Cycle of Suffering. I want recovery and I’ve got to use life-enhancing coping skills.” Wise Mind is already kicking in and will be offering some suggestions for getting through the moment.

Borderline Personality Disorder also involves dysfunctional relationship dynamics and patterns. Part of the recovery process is awareness of our sensitivities and our typical responses in relationships. Mindfulness is essential here. When we catch ourselves responding in old dysfunctional ways, we’ll have to use Rational Mind and Wise Mind to alter our responses. Like when someone hurts our feelings, we might think, “She is such a b—-. She was never my friend. I’m never going to talk to her again. I don’t get mad, I get even.” That’s Emotional Mind thinking…it’s Emotion-Driven Thinking…thoughts that are driven by or are caused by whatever emotions we are experiencing. We’re thinking that way just because we’re Big-Time in Emotional Mind. So, we’ll have to catch ourselves and challenge that thought with Rational Mind. For instance, we might remind ourselves of the truth about her and other people, like “She’s usually nice to me. Maybe something’s going on with her and she’s not in such a nice mood right now. She’s been friendly and she’s been my friend. Everyone has their moods…and I guess she’s in one right now.” Wise Mind would kick on and make some problem-solving suggestions, such as, “I’ll pull myself together and go on with my day and TRY not to worry about this. I’ll check back in with her later and see if she’s okay. If something is troubling her, I’ll offer to talk with her about it. If it seems like she’s upset with me, I’ll let her know I appreciate her friendship and I’m sorry if I did something to upset her…and I’ll encourage her to talk with me about it…and I’ll work real hard not to be defensive! I’ll try to smooth things over with her so I can maintain this relationship.”

There’s a lot to working through and changing a lifetime of experiences, habits, thought processes, reactions, etc. Therapy, support groups, a support system, mindfulness, following through with life-enhancing coping behaviors and problem-solving, and an attitude of “Recovery is my #1 priority” are some key elements to recovery. READ self-help books too…and learn as much as you can about recovery. Know that it took a lifetime to get us to this place and time…and it will take a while to recover. It’s step by step, minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day…month after month..and year after year. I think it is reasonable to expect that even though we get to a point of being “pretty well recovered” things will still come up…things that will bring up old feelings, insecurities, and issues…that we’ll have to deal with. But, by then, we’ll be real practiced at it and it won’t take long to set ourselves straight. Honestly, I am “pretty well recovered” but I still have to deal with myself on a daily basis. I consider myself to be “a work in progress.”

Another thing to think about is that it is normal to be “abnormal.” Most people have issues and concerns that bother them. Some struggle to get better n’ better…and others remain in denial and blame others, avoid their issues…and remain in a Cycle of Suffering.

Quit smoking the DBT-CBT therapy way: Attempt #7 – Making my “failures to succeed” successful failures

Here I go again. Another attempt to quit smoking. This constitutes try number 6 or 7 this year. However, I’m stubborn, hard-headed, and persistent…and I’ll keep trying until I make it. This is something that is do-able and something I’m able to do!

My last blog entry was a week or two ago and I had resumed smoking because of major bloating, constipation, and weight gain…like 7-10 pounds in 7-10 days. This has happened each time I have quit smoking this year.

My plan is to quit on Tuesday, my next work day. No smokes on the way to work…and none thereafter! Over the past two weeks, I’ve noticed that I’ve bloated even while smoking; however, I haven’t had the constipation and weight gain. The bloating has come and gone. So, I became mindful of the bloat patterns and noticed it seemed to occur when I drank soda and ate a couple protein bars. So, I gave up soda and protein bars for about 5 days and I had absolutely no bloating. WOW! I began eating some protein bars the last few days because I started feeling VERY tired. However, I did so in moderation and I’ve had a few sodas. Only one bloat session occurred. I’m going to practice moderation with both of these because I like them…and don’t want to have to give them up, TOO!

I am going to start exercising today. I’ll get the junk off the fancy treadmill and do that in front of the TV. I’ll ride horses with my daughter a couple times a week. I need to do something to offset the decrease in metabolism due to not smoking…and to offset a couple hundred extra calories that I might consume daily due to quitting smoking. I’ve lost more weight than I care to admit in the last four years and I have no intention of putting on a lot of weight. I can tolerate a few pounds…but then, it must come off again!

I’ve also added several servings of fruit per day over the last week. I’ll keep that up because it will help offset constipation.

If I start bloating again, I’ll buy some nicorettes and give that a try. If I fail this time again, I have a Dr’s appointment in a few weeks and I’ll try something else. I WILL make this happen.

Here’s an excerpt from the DBT-CBT therapy workbook that I wrote…and it’s something I believe in and I live by. It’s from a section entitled, “Failing to Succeed…or Successful Failures.” It’s in Chapter 7, the Rational Mind chapter…where the Emotional Driven Lies we tell ourselves are challenged through Rational Mind. This excerpt relates to the “I’ll never be able to do it.” and the “Everything I try gets screwed up somehow” type of lies we tell ourselves that sabotage our recovery.

“When we fail, we need to SEEK AN UNDERSTANDING of WHY WE FAILED. We need to LEARN FROM IT and CORRECT WHAT WE’RE DOING. We need to change or adjust our plan to deal with what went wrong. Successful “failures” start with PLAN A and go to PLAN B, C, D, E…and so on until things work out! Despite their failures, THEY KEEP ON KEEPING ON!

It’s also important to be Mindful of our successes and accomplishments and to note WE’VE ALL HAD SOME! We also need to realize that WHEN WE’VE TRIED…when we’ve REALLY STUCK WITH IT, we’ve overcome challenges…and WE HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFUL. Consider the 8-18 attempts at recovery that it takes people ON AVERAGE to become clean n’ sober. Through our recovery attempts, we learn about our triggers and relapse patterns. We learn we REALLY HAVE TO change the things in our life that we DON’T WANT TO CHANGE…things that we’ve refused to change, like friendships, activities, and abusive or conflict-filled relationships. Because of our repeated failures at recovery, we FINALLY SUCCEED! That’s because we’ve revised our Recovery Plan SO MANY TIMES that we FINALLY GET ENOUGH OF THE NECESSARY CHANGES made! We’re hard-headed and we’ve got to learn from OUR experiences…and in the world of recovery…these experiences ARE OFTEN RELAPSES.

Changing our LIFESTYLE and our LIFE IS VERY DIFFICULT. We need to ACCEPT OUR FAILURES and UNDERSTAND they’re a NATURAL part of the LEARNING PROCESS…IF we learn from them.

The truth is, WHEN WE KEEP TRYING, things FINALLY work out. Sometimes, we don’t succeed because we aren’t going about it the right way. Therefore, we need to get a NEW PLAN. Sometimes, we try to do more than is do-able at one time. We plunge head first when we’d be better off wading in and taking smaller steps! There are many reasons why we haven’t reached our goals. Fortunately, most of these problems can be overcome with PERSISTENCE and a REVISED GAME PLAN!”

So I will practice what I preach and I’ll keep trying until I make it. I’ll just DBT-CBT my way through it and rather than failing to succeed, I will make my attempts successful failures.

The following are some quotes off the side margin of the aforementioned section in the DBT-CBT Recovery Workbook:

“The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Failure: I expect to fail so I don’t try very hard …so, I fail.”

“If we don’t put forth a FULL effort, we’ll never REALLY KNOW if we can succeed.”

“Some of our greatest leaders and wealthiest people failed many times before they achieved great success.”

“We never fail until we quit trying. Success comes to those who are determined to overcome obstacles
in their path.”

“When we understand our failures are a part of the learning process, then we can constructively accept our failures and learn from them.”

This relates to the 8-18 tries at recovery it takes on average to recover from substance abuse: “Some say, ‘Been there, done 14, I’ve got to be real close to making it!’ Folks who are new to recovery are discouraged, ‘I don’t want to do this that many times.’ Be Mindful that 8-18 is an average. Some make it on the 1st try (they need to write the book!), others on the 25th. Some make it in 3 tries, others in 20. Bear in mind though…these numbers don’t mean it’s okay to relapse 17 times ‘just because we can’ and then work real hard on the 18th try!”

Dream Interpretation – What do dreams about losing teeth mean?

I’m a psychologist and interpreting dreams is something I’m very good at…when I know a person well. The images in a dream are symbols (Jungian psychology), they symbolize something. What a dream image means for you may be very different from what it means for someone else. There are some “universal” symbols that mean just about the same thing for just about everyone in a particular culture because we have all learned similar things about it (similar understandings). However, I strongly recommend NOT consulting a dream dictionary because what a symbol or image means to one person may be very different from what it means to another. That’s because our personal experiences with the symbol or our associations to the image may be very different from the experiences or associations others have for the same image, symbol, or concept.

For instance, for most people, the symbol of a witch is associated with an evil or mean female, often a maternal figure. However, for a particular dreamer, the symbol of a witch may be very positive. Maybe they won a costume contest when they were dressed up as a witch and it was a very positive emotional experience, perhaps they felt very special, “on top of the world,” recognized, or very pleased with themselves because they beat out their bully or rival in the contest…(so it reflects success, self-confidence, overcoming something). Maybe it was one of the first times their mother really focused on them and helped them with a project (the costume)…so it was a time of feeling emotionally connected with their mother, loved and cared for by her…etc.

The best way to interpret dreams is to write out your entire dream…absolutely everything you remember about it even if a detail doesn’t seem important. Then, begin to “free associate” and write down everything that comes to mind for each symbol, experience, emotion, person, or image in your dream. Write down everything that the image or experience reminds you of. That way, you are interpreting YOUR dream…based on what your dream symbols mean to you. Most of the time, this will help you to understand your dreams…and usually it will be a WOW experience.

I have had “losing teeth” dreams….one falls out…then before I know it, most of my teeth are coming out…or crumbling, etc. I have had this dream many times, so my mind, body, and soul is trying to get something across to me…it’s pushing me to pay attention to something…to deal with something. It’s trying to help me to heal and recover in that area. The dream keeps coming up because something in that area of my psychological or emotional life NEEDS some work.

It’s a dream image that I have not figured out yet…and it’s odd to me to not be able to figure it out. I guess I’ll be having that dream until I do…or until I heal and recover in that area in other ways.
I have made associations to teeth…and all I can come up with is that they are something that’s supposed to be permanent…we are not supposed to lose these. Maybe it represents the major attachment losses in my life…people who were supposed to be permanent, people I loved and depended on, who left. I have become aware in recent months that I had MANY losses of special people in my age 13-16 time period…and life got real bad for me during those years. I was an utter mess emotionally and behaviorally during those years and for years thereafter. I will certainly pay attention to THAT theme if I have the dream again! Maybe I won’t have the dream again since I am dealing with this on my own!

I don’t fully have this association worked out yet, but I’ve also considered that our teeth are things that are “presented to the world” – people see these as we are relating to them…speaking to them. Losing our teeth may represent some vulnerability in this area…The concept of a defense or protective barrier also comes to mind…and if we lose these, we are somehow vulnerable. Our words are a mirror of our soul and our psyche when we are open and express ourselves to others…and losing them may represent a vulnerability, a weakness, or a concern in this area. Maybe we wish we could keep our teeth and protect ourselves from opening our mouth and bearing our soul. Or maybe if we lose our teeth…we are losing our psychological defenses and we are feeling very vulnerable.

See how this is done. Just free associate and think about what teeth mean to you…and then how those associations relate to your life and your issues. When you start to understand your dream and you begin to grow in that area…your dreams will change as you change. Actually, working with patients, I find that our dreams reflect progress we are getting ready to make…the dream comes first…and then manifestations of that progress or change is noticed as we relate to our world. In other words, changes in dream imagery reflects psychological growth that is going on internally…that we are soon to experience in action! They are a signal of the changes the patient is making…and changes we will soon see!

So, maybe instead of losing all our teeth, one or two or several will come out and we’ll be able to get them back into the socket and keep them in place. Knowing dreams, probably at first, the means for getting our teeth back in place will be crazy and won’t make much sense…but nonetheless, in the dream it worked!

How to Get Control of the Quit Smoking Bloat, Weight Gain, and Constipation! Must DBT my way through it!

I teach DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)…in fact I wrote the DBT-CBT Recovery Workbook, “Out of Control.” I have the skills and understandings for behavioral change…I’ve recovered from many things…and I’ve kicked many habits…but this one is kicking my butt this time. This is a follow-up to two previous “I’M TRYING TO STOP SMOKING” WordPress blogs. It’s been about two weeks since my last blog on trying to quit smoking and the bloating and weight gain that compels me to resume smoking. So, I’ve been smoking again for the last two weeks. It’s really a love-hate relationship with smoking…I love to smoke, I hate to smoke. I hate it more than I love it and I’m determined to quit. My plan continues to be to get a Game Plan for quitting. I am going to a conference tomorrow in California on risk assessment, the Reid Meloy PCL-R one. I didn’t want to suffer the agony of being three sizes bigger and “feeling fat,” so I’ve allowed myself to smoke for this period…two weeks plus the conference.

Folks in my DBT Group would say I am just sabotaging myself and falling into the trap of Emotional Mind by coming up with Emotion-Driven Lies and Excuses to continue smoking…that my excuse to smoke is nothing but an excuse to smoke. Alike many people who sabotage themselves this way, I would say, “I’ve got a plan to quit and this is part of my plan. If you knew me, you’d know I was going to quit…and this is part of my quitting plan.” And everyone else would say…”Bull Sheets…that’s just bull, Sheets!” And I would say…”Just sit back and watch. I’ve quit many things in my life and I will quit this…come hail or high water…I’ll find an umbrella to make it through this storm.” And, I will. I’m determined to quit and I’ll find a way. If I knew that smoking two more weeks and through the conference would cause me lung cancer, I’d put this cigarette out right here, right now, and call it quits. Glad I don’t know that! I do think about it though and I’ve asked God to see me through this…and keep me safe while I get ‘er done.

I sent an email out to the Docs and nurse practitioners at the hospital yesterday and was just about desperate enough to send an email out across campus. I explained this bloating – constipation – weight gain problem and I asked if they knew of a medication or patch that would minimize this. I read a bit about Chantix and stopped at the side effects of constipation and gas! I haven’t studied any more…so, I don’t know if Nicorette gum or other nicotine replacement therapies will help. I’m hoping some readers will share their experiences and we can figure out what to do. Many people are reading this blog, so many are struggling with the same thing. Please leave some comments and let us know what works and what doesn’t. I’d really like a magic pill or patch so I can easily quit smoking. I’ve quit 5-6 times this year and I’m fine mentally, emotionally, and psychologically after the first couple days…until this bloat thing happens and my weight soars…and my pant size increases by 2. So, if I can get this bloat thing figured out, I’d be quit again in no time. I seek the “No pain…big gain” method of recovery!

So, if I don’t know of anything else to do when I return from the conference, I’ll set another quit date, try Nicorette gum or something similar and go at it again. I understand that the gum is expensive…and I did try to sabotage myself with that excuse…but, my Rational Mind isn’t going to put up with that crap and quickly reminded me that smoking is more expensive. Ended that. I do have a doctor appointment set up in early July and I can get some information from my PCP at that time if Nicorettes doesn’t work. I’ve also become Mindful that my current diet is very high in fiber and protein and that may be why I am having this new problem with quitting smoking. I’ve always been able to quit for long periods of time and have never had this problem…until this year. Maybe I have to change my diet and eat more roughage rather than soft protein bars. Maybe I have to exercise more often. Do you know that riding a horse burns about 200 calories an hour? All I have to do is to go outside, sit on a horse for an hour, and let it take me for a walk! That’s sure a lazy woman’s way to exercise. If I can hold on while the horse gallops, I can burn about 500 an hour! I thought about putting a sign on my horse’s butt and trotting past power-walkers on the road or galloping past a jogger that says “I’m burning more calories than you!” FUN-NY! Yes, I know I’m not getting the same cardio benefits…nor pulmonary…but the mental picture is quite amusing!

Long blog short…I’m still smoking and I’m not done quitting! I’ll keep folks posted on this journey and what I learn as I go…and what I have to do to get there! Hope there’s a magic pill!

Working Through the Pain of Verbal and Emotional Abuse: Self-Disclosure in Therapy…A Question of Professionalism…Does It Hurt More Than It Heals?

Someone who loves me and supports me told me that I’m making myself look bad and unprofessional by writing these blog entries and sharing so much of my personal neurotic self. She questioned how I think I can look professional and be a respected author of a therapy workbook if I am presenting myself as so messed up. I’ve thought about this all along…and I did expect this point to be raised. I haven’t thought through it at a deep level though…so my thoughts about it aren’t so organized…so what I write now will be pretty raw…but here’s what I think at this moment in time.

I teach my patients that most normal people are messed up in some ways…that there are few VERY NORMAL PEOPLE who have no major emotional issues and concerns. I believe that ALL PEOPLE struggle with themselves in some way or another…at least at some points in their life. I don’t think that NORMAL people are perfectly normal. I think the kinds of emotional issues and concerns that I struggle with ARE NORMAL…that many people struggle with the same things…or similar things…or other things that dog them just the same. I think that normal people are messed up…I think being “ABNORMAL”…IS NORMAL. I think that people who are putting on a PROFESSIONAL FRONT are PUTTING ON a professional FRONT. I know that some people are highly self-controlled and very tightly wrapped…and, that’s ABNORMAL.

What’s wrong with them that they can’t admit or reveal their humanity, their weaknesses, their struggles…Why is it that they feel so strongly about presenting to the world as SO PROFESSIONAL and SO NORMAL? What is it that they don’t want people to know about them…or what are they so ashamed of that they’re hiding…or what is it that they don’t want people to think about them? What is so bad about their true self? Why do they have to hide their humanity and who they are as a person? Why is it that they feel the need to separate themselves from humanity and place themselves on a “I’ve got my life VERY WELL TOGETHER and I’m better than you…or different than you…I’M PROFESSIONAL…I’m DISTINCT…I’m in a different social class…I am one that is respectable…I have overcome my humanity” pedestal?

Boy am I going to piss these people off!

I think that if we can’t accept ourselves, our weaknesses, our humanity, then we have major, big, emotional issues and concerns. I think that if we have to put ourselves on a pedestal and create a facade of absolute professionalism and perfection…then there’s something wrong with us…something wrong that we feel we have to distinguish ourselves from humanity…from the “common people.” Has our sense of self been so beaten that in order to FEEL OKAY…we have to be SO self-controlled…and maintain such a professional self-image and presentation to others…so that we can feel a sense of integrity, wholeness, togetherness, and acceptability? Why would one have to distinguish and separate themselves from humanity in order to feel okay? Do we feel so bad about who we are…and our humanity…that we have to distinguish or separate ourselves from others…and humanity?

Why can’t I just feel okay about myself…and accept that my emotional and psychological weaknesses are okay and acceptable…and normal? Why would I have to CHEAT and DECEIVE my patients and book readers…and put on this facade of PERFECTION or near perfection…and interact with them in HIGHLY PROFESSIONAL ways…in order to gain their respect by deceit and trickery? Is my sense of self-respect so low that I have to heighten my sense of self-respect by conning other people into having over-esteemed respect for me?

Do I have to fill up my empty tank of self-respect with THEIR RESPECT for me? If my tank of self-respect is filled enough…I don’t need others to fill that tank for me…because it’s already filled enough. Granted and obviously…my tank of self-respect falls below what is healthy because I struggle with it so. However, I’m not going out in the world trying to get others to fill this tank for me. In order for my tank to be filled adequately and to stay that way, I must have the resources to fill it on my own…rather than begging, borrowing, and stealing respect and self-esteem from others.

I continually work on myself and continually struggle with my humanity and my emotional beatings and slaps from the past. I don’t want my reservoir of self-respect to be so vulnerable to the destructive whims and neuroses of others. I continually work on myself so my reservoir of self-respect increases over time…so I am not so needy of being filled with respect by others.

If I am truly to experience self-respect, it needs to come from within…it needs to be mine…else, the amount of respect I have for myself is going to be ever vulnerable to the waves of approval or disapproval from others. I’m tired of living that way. I’m tired of my sense of self being tied to what others think of me…because not everyone is so healthy as to treat us or to regard us consistent with our level of deserving. We all know that other people put us down in order to feel better about themselves…that others may blame us for things instead of blaming themselves…that others criticize or find fault with us because they don’t want to acknowledge or deal with their own faults and weaknesses…that they make us look bad so they don’t have to look bad…and they take credit for what we’ve done so they look better…or they don’t brag on us like they could because somehow it makes them feel less than.

I have received many emotional beatings and slaps in my journey through this world. I’ve had many people in my life that have been very emotionally unhealthy and have been emotionally and verbally abusive and hurtful to me. I have sucked in…and have personalized what they’ve said to me, how they’ve responded to me, and how they’ve treated me. I derived a sick sense of self-respect and self-esteem as a result…a level of self-respect and self-esteem that does not match the reality of my life, my talents, my accomplishments, etc.

I have been very hurt by several authority figures. Some have been victims of emotional abuse and have come to derive a heightened sense of self and empowerment by putting others down…they feel powerful and in control when they weaken the self-esteem of others…they feel in control by overpowering and beating others….and some of these people are filled with so much unrestrained pain and anger…that they have major Emotional Mind eruptions…and they spew the hurtful and the ugly all over their environment.

I have also been subjected to some very narcissistic people as well…people that are so sick inside or so emotionally unhealthy that they interact with the world and present themselves…and on the surface think of themselves…as superior to others. Instead of giving other people due credit, instead of speaking of others in the positive ways they deserve, they demean us, take credit for our work, and don’t show us the positive regard we deserve. They psychologically esteem themselves at our expense. They so much need this to feel okay about themselves. This is a defense mechanism for them…a defense against experiencing their humanity and emotional vulnerability…and the pain and ugliness they feel inside. This is a destructive coping behavior…it is a narcissistic defense.

I have been so beaten and demeaned by my interactions with some of these people that I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of the anxiety, self-doubt, insecurities, and all the crap that I’ve felt and suffered through as a result. I’m so tired of the Emotional Mind beatings that I put myself through…that I’ve had to turn on Rational Mind to take a true look at myself…and to decide for myself who I am and what I have to offer to this world. I’ve decided to appraise my own self-worth and to protect my vulnerable sense of integrity. I’ve decided to minimize the impact these emotional unhealthy people have on me…and to rely on the positive regard other people have for me…and the positive regard I have for myself.

This psychological issue is something I will no doubt struggle with for a long time…it’s not an easy thing to overcome. I’ve spent most of my life tied to and deeply affected by how these people have regarded me or have treated me…that it is a rather engrained way of regarding myself. I am working on it…and I will continue to work on it. I will be affected by future insults…but, I will work to minimize the impact they have on me. When one of these insults comes my way, I will work to be Mindful of how it’s affecting me and I will work to disseminate the truth from it. I will ask myself, “Did I do something to deserve this? Is it undeserved and an unrealistic appraisal of me?” If I did something, I will own it…and I will work to continually improve myself in that area. If it makes me feel bad about myself that I keep doing things that cause others to have negative regard for me, I will work to soothe myself and to remind myself that I’m not perfect and that I’m a work in progress. I will try to come up with a Game Plan or a plan of action to better control myself so the same thing doesn’t continue to happen in the future. That’s all I can do. I refuse to destroy myself and my sense of self over it.

I write the things I do in this blog to reach out to other people who are hurting and are struggling with the pains of life…to recognize that in their abnormality, they are perfectly normal…that everyone or most everyone struggles with things…and that what separates the so called normal from abnormal in our mind is how much we know about them…and how much they are willing to know and acknowledge about themselves. I believe that in my abnormality, I am very normal. I feel defective, but I know I’m at a level of good repair…perhaps even better repair than most people…and that, I am a work in progress.

Further, I feel that I have the level of knowledge, skills, understandings, and achievements to be thought of by others as a “professional” and that if people know me, are around me enough…they will easily have that respect for me. I no longer feel the need to ACT professional so people will respect me. I think I can be myself and share myself…and do so while carrying out a professional job. My profession is to help people to achieve self-respect and to gain relief from all the pain and turmoil that drives destructive coping behavior, self-destruction, other destruction, and life destruction…so that they can feel okay about themselves and will begin to interact in the world in a productive, life-enhancing fashion. If I achieve that, then I’ve done good…and I’ve fulfilled my professional responsibility. If being “unprofessional” in appearance by revealing my struggles and weaknesses and my recovery journey…helps to reach a subset of hurting souls, then it is worth being regarded as “unprofessional.” Really, the unknowing opinions of others matter little in the big picture of the world…and any help given to tormented souls matters most.

Now, all this is not to say that I NEVER ACT professional. My profession requires I abide by an ethical code of conduct…and I am very invested in acting professional in that manner…because those things make a major difference in the care and treatment of those I serve. Further, when I’m around people that I am expected to impress or need to impress with my professionalism…I can generally do a good job of pulling that off. I CAN ACT professional for the sake of making a professional impression when I have to…I just don’t choose to live that persona otherwise.

Fighting Through the Battle to NOT Smoke Cigarettes…Armed with DBT-CBT Skills and Understandings

I weighed myself this morning and I lost 4 pounds over the past 24 hours. Back below the 130 mark. That part of my Emotional Mind feels relief. I’m about mad and frustrated though that this is the way things are…that I have to smoke again to get my body working again…that smoking does this for me and my body is addicted to the cigarettes. I’ve smoked and quit smoking probably 20 times in my life with about 6 times being over the last 5 months…I’ve never had this kind of problem before when I’ve quit smoking. My body has never reacted like this. For me, quitting smoking has always been a choice…a decision. I would decide to quit and I quit…and that was that. I was fine. It was a no big deal type of thing. It was a decision.

Today, it’s not just a decision. It’s not so easy. I’m having big major problems quitting. My body is addicted and it’s causing me big major problems. That makes me angry / frustrated because I want to be in control of my body and my life. I want to be able to make decisions about my behavior…and to be able to change my behavior without all these problems. I want to decide to do something…and then it happens. I did quit smoking for 10 days because I set my mind to it…but then, something happened. The something that happened is that a big boulder fell out of the sky and slammed right into the middle of my recovery path. That something was the bloating, constipation, and subsequent MASSIVE weight gain. My reality changed. Things aren’t the same as they used to be. I have something new to deal with.

That reality is that I’m not 16 or 25 or 35 anymore. I’m getting older and my body is changing. Things aren’t the same as they were before when I’ve successfully quit smoking…and my task in life right now is to adjust and deal with my new reality. My reality is…my body is having a major GI (gastrointestinal) response to withdrawal from cigarettes. My body is reacting in a big way. My reality is that to be successful with quitting smoking, I am going to have to find a way around, over, through, or passed this big obstacle in my recovery path. I am going to have to find a way to deal with it.

A bit of history. I have lost 145 pounds over the last 4 years. I was never FAT until I got FAT at about the age of 29. I was usually in the 115 to 135 range…but then, marriage to a man that eats, children, and a job AND a business away from home that created a chaotic out-of-control eating lifestyle…led me to gain a pound or so a month…over many months…to become VERY overweight. This is another story and over time, I’ll blog about it. But today, I’ve lost a ton of weight…and I am determined NOT to get fat again. I don’t want to go back there again.

So, it really alarms me when my weight starts going up and I’m NOT IN CONTROL. Since I quit smoking 10 days ago, my weight went up 7 pounds. The last day before I quit smoking, it jumped two pounds. Rationally, I know it’s not real weight, granted maybe ½ a pound of it is because I was eating a bit more those days. However, I went up two pant sizes and even the bigger size was a little tight. My Emotional Mind was very disturbed. If we can even call it Wise Mind…it kicked in and said smoke again, get your weight back down, and get a new Game Plan. That sounds like a horrible Emotion-Driven Lie I told myself. However, I know me and I know my sense of determination and I can get away with that. I am bound and determined to kick this smoking thing because I don’t want to be 65 and tied to an oxygen tank. I have other plans for my life and it doesn’t include toting around an oxygen tank. I will find a way to make this happen…one way or another…and come hail or high water.

I still have some options. I can talk with a doctor and find out if a patch or a pill can ease my physiological withdrawal from cigarettes and can keep my body from reacting so intensely to the lack of whatever poison it is in cigarettes that is causing this bloating, constipation, and major weight gain. I can start exercising regularly to keep my metabolism up and to offset the increase in calories. I can ask my family NOT to bring ANYTHING in the house that will tempt me to eat…to hide it in their room, leave it in the car, but to keep it out of my range of vision. In the last few days, Sour Cream and Onion Lays potato chips came in the house and a box of Reeses’ cereal. Even snacking on those added 300 calories to my day…on Thursday…the day I decided to smoke again. I can also make some calorie / diet changes to what I normally eat on my own and without temptation from others. I can adjust my routine diet. I’m not done yet. I still have some options…and I still have a helluva lot of fight inside me to get past and through this tough time. Come hail or high water and boulders that fall out of the sky, I will make it through…because it is important to me to quit smoking. Do pray for me because I really want this to happen…and I need all the help I can get!

Copyright Statement: Material contained within this blog is copyrighted protected with all rights reserved © Melanie Gordon Sheets commencing in 2009 and extending through the present age. Please request permission to quote or otherwise use material obtained from this blog by emailing: service@dbt-cbt-workbook.com

Please visit the website www.dbt-cbt-workbook.com for more information about the DBT-CBT Workbook. The full title is “Out-of-Control: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) – Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Workbook for Getting Control of Our Emotions and Emotion-Driven Behavior” – Recovery Works Publications, 2009.